Progress

We think of progress as only going up and ascending in an elevation. I'm slowly learning that progress also means descending and turning around from the destination. Even completely stopping for a while in the moment you are in. Is it really progress if you rush through it without limitation? If you don't slow down and learn the lessons that will prevent you from falling back to the starting line, won’t you lose your motivation, to start again? I freaked out a couple of minutes ago because I had no idea what I was going to do in my life. My story seemed to be slow. I needed a plan, some action. I needed to learn things I didn’t know, so I could feel the words of my story start to flow easily like a song. And then maybe my sadness wouldn't last so long. I’ve been sluggish all week and not productive towards anything that mattered. Most importantly, my friendships. My grades. My family. My future. I juggled it all independently. I felt tired of working towards those aspects non-stop to get them to stay. And I was just as wrong as I was tired to think those aspects mattered most throughout my day. Sometimes my biggest priority will be to try to learn what triggers my anxiety and then to spend the next day figuring out how to prevent it from happening despite failing a variety, of times. Sometimes my biggest priority will be allowing myself to slow down and cry because I forgot to feel anything for the past week and a half. Sometimes my priority is not my schoolwork and my future career. it’s not my friends nor my family nor childish play. Sometimes my priority is to dedicate the day to absolutely nothing. To just feel. To laugh. And that is okay. I am starting to learn that progress is not just an ascending escalator only going up and up until you reach the top. Progress is more like a road, with U-turns and stops. Even a few incidents all for me to address. I am starting to learn to take beauty in those aspects of progress. I am starting to rejoice over the days where I accomplish absolutely nothing just as much as the days when all the boxes on my to-do list are crossing. I’m starting to appreciate the breaks and meltdowns and U-turns. I cheer when I make it out of bed and I cheer when I make it back in. I am still human with aspects of myself that require more attention than others and I have just started to begin. So, no. Today I did not do my journalism courses. Today I did not get involved with the latest school business. Today I did not over-stress about my grades or over-prepare for my future. Today I allowed myself to laugh. I took a walk. I finished another piece of literature. And yes, I still view this day as a huge part of my progress to becoming happy and to becoming a better me. To erasing doubt. Overworking myself to become a better version of myself is doing nothing but canceling each other out. Today I have learned that I can enjoy the progress. Growth is not supposed to be painful and overworking the whole time. I can smile through progress. Today I learned that not every day of progress is good and not every day is bad. I learned that I do not have to be focused on the future 24/7 and be in my head. I can live, I can feel, I can breathe, and I can laugh. And every day I will grow just a little bit more because of it. Progress can be sweet, not hostile. And it can be dealt with time and care because progress is not a task. Progress is a lifestyle.